Screenplay

» by Steve Kloves.
[Final draft]
November 4, 1988

PART - I

FADE IN:

1 INT. APARTMENT - DUSK

JACK BAKER is standing before a dirty window, looking
out at a dirty city street. He is wearing a tuxedo.

VOICE
Hey.

Jack looks at the GIRL in the bed, then at the rest of the
apartment. Not good.

JACK.
Hey.

GIRL
Whatcha doin' over there?

JACK
Gotta go.

GIRL
How come?

JACK
Job.

The girl glances at the bedside clock.

GIRL
Funny hours.

JACK
Funny job.

GIRL
Will I see you again?

Jack looks out at the dirty street again.

JACK
No.

The girl doesn't appear terribly unnerved by this.

GIRL
(the tux)
You weren't wearing that, were you, earlier?

Jack shakes his head, taps a brown bag on the sill.

JACK
Brought it.

GIRL
Thank God. You look like a creep.

JACK
Thanks.

GIRL
I mean, I'd hate to think I'd pick up someone who
wore that shit.

Jack nods, grabs the bag, and moves to the door.

GIRL
Hey.
(as he stops)
You got great hands.

Hearing this, a slow smile forms on Jack's lips and:

2 MAIN TITLES BEGIN

A) OMITTED
thru
E)

F) EXT. SEATTLE DOWNTOWN STREET - DUSK

Jeff walking. (Street wetdown.)

G) EXT. SEATTLE DOWNTOWN STREET - DUSK

Jeff walking. (Street wetdown.)

H) EXT. SEATTLE DOWNTOWN STREET - NIGHT.

Jeff walking on way to work.

I) EXT. SEATTLE DOWNTOWN STREET - NIGHT.

Jeff walking on way to work.

J) EXT. SEATTLE DOWNTOWN STREET - NIGHT.

Jeff stops at State Liquor store purchase.

MAIN TITLES END, we...

DISSOLVE TO:

3 EXT. A NICE DOWNTOWN HOTEL (STARFIRE)
- NIGHT

As Jack approaches, he takes a hit off a flask of whiskey,
then returns it to his pocket. A DOORMAN swings open
the door.

JACK.
How'm I doing, Tommy?

DOORMAN.
Two minutes.

4 INT. STARFIRE LOBBY - NIGHT

As Jack enters the lobby, he lights a cigarette, and nods to
a waitress (SHEILA) passing by.

JACK
Hey, Sheil. How's tips?

SHEILA
I ain't booking a cruise.

JACK
You seen my brother?

SHEILA
In the john.

5 INT. STARFIRE BATHROOM - NIGHT

Jack's brother, FRANK, is standing in front of the mirror,
stuffing the collar of his tux with towels while LOUIS, an
old black attendant, looks on. Jack enters.

JACK
(a nod)
Louis.

FRANK
You're giving me an ulcer, Jack.

JACK
I'm early.

FRANK
Forty-five seconds doesn't qualify as early, Jack.
Jesus, who's doing your tux these days?

JACK
Moon.

FRANK
Go to China Boy, will ya. You look like you just
crawled out of bed.

Jack picks up a tiny spray can on the sink, reads it.

JACK
"Be the envy of all your friends with Crowning
Glory's Miracle Hair"...?
(looking up)
You gotta be kidding.

Jack studies the bald spot on the crown of his brother's
head, then shakes the can. A MIXING BALL is heard.

JACK
This is paint, Frank.

FRANK
It's not paint.
(pointing to the can)
It's a "magical sheath which simulates a dazzling
head of hair."

JACK
Frank, this is paint.

FRANK
Just help me put it on, okay? You're supposed to
spray in a circular motion.

As Frank positions himself, Jack exchanges a glance with
Louis. Shrugging, Jack gives the can a shake, steps back,
and fires away.

FRANK
Well...?

Jack just stares. There is a dark spot on the back of Frank's
head about the size of a scooter pie.

FRANK
Louis?

Louis looks up. His face could conceal a royal flush.

LOUIS
Dazzling...

APPLAUSE is heard as we...

CUT TO:

6 INT. STARFIRE LOUNGE - CLOSEUP - A
CARDBOARD STAND-UP - NIGHT

featuring two 8x10 glossies of Frank and Jack (more hair)
and in bold letters: "TONIGHT! THE FABULOUS
BAKER BOYS!"

We HOLD on the stand-up, then RISE above it to reveal a
candlelit lounge, where Jack and Frank sit behind
matching grand pianos, a poor man's version of Ferrante
and Teicher.

FRANK
(Mr. Smile)
Thank you, thank you. Good evening and welcome
to the Starfire Lounge. My name is Frank Baker
and eighty-eight keys across from me is my little
brother Jack.

The audience -- consisting of middle-aged out-of-towners
swilling enormous banana daiquiris -- APPLAUDS.

FRANK
You know, my brother and I have been playing
together, gosh, I don't know. How long has it
been, Jack?

JACK
(lighting cigarette)
Thirty-one years, Frank.

FRANK
That's a lot of water under the bridge, eh, Jack?

JACK
Lotta water.

FRANK
Of course, back then, things were a little different.
I was eleven, Jack was seven. and about the only
one who would listen to us was the family cat,
Cecil. We must've shaved three lives off that cat,
eh, Jack?

The audience, having the benefit of the daiquiris,
LAUGHS. Jack smiles like he's got a mouth full of razor
blades.

FRANK
But seriously. It's been fifteen years since Jack
and I first stepped onto the stage as professionals.
But even though we've played some of the finest
venues in the world... there's one place that's
always been, for us, a very special place, and
that place is... this place, the Starfire Lounge.

Jack lays in a few soft bass chords.

FRANK
Why? Well, I guess you could say it's the...
(pregnant moment)
...people.

At which point, Frank's hands descend onto the keyboard
and give birth to the melody of -- what else? -- "People."

7 INT. STARFIRE KITCHEN - LATER

Jack and Frank pass through the steamy hotel kitchen.

FRANK
Now when we go in there, don't make trouble,
all right?

JACK
Who's gonna make trouble?

GIRL'S VOICE
Hi, Jack.

A young GIRL in an apron smiles at Jack.

JACK
Hi, Jenny. New earings?

JENNY
Like 'em?

JACK
Swell. You got something for me?

The girl holds up a huge soup bone.

JENNY
Been hiding it from Hector all day.

JACK
You're a doll.

FRANK
(as they exit)
I mean it Jack. Behave.

JACK
Like an angel.

8 INT. LLOYD'S OFFICE - NIGHT

Frank stands across the desk from the hotel's very young,
very condescending assistant manager (LLOYD) as he
prepares a cash envelope. Jack stays in the doorway,
smoking.

LLOYD
Terrific, boys. Really. Terrific. Yes, sir... You're
just what we needed on a night like this.

FRANK
Uh... thanks, Lloyd.

Frank glances at Jack and realises he should have left him
in the kitchen with Jenny and the soup bone.

LLOYD
Only Jack, do me a favour, will ya, pal. If you
wanna smoke onstage, put on a pair of sunglasses
and go play with the niggers on State Street.

Smoke curls out of Jack's nose. He is utterly still, like a pit
bull eyeing a steak.

LLOYD
Okay, boys, that ought to buy you a few more
lessons. By the way, Frankie, I'm declaring this.

Lloyd slaps a slender envelope onto the desk.

FRANK
Uh... You don't know when you'll be wanting us
back, do you, Lloyd?

LLOYD
I'll call you.

FRANK
Uh, well, you know, the way our schedule is, I
thought maybe...

LLOYD
I'll call you.

Frank bites down and takes the envelope from the desk.

JACK
Count it.

FRANK
Huh?

JACK
Count it.

FRANK
Jack...

JACK
Count the fucking money, Frank.

Lloyd looks up. Jack is staring right into him. Reluctantly,
Frank opens the envelope.

FRANK
It's all here.
(pulling Jack out)
I'll be talking to you, Lloyd.

Lloyd doesn't answer. He just looks at Jack, smiling with
amusement.

9 EXT. STREET - NIGHT

Jack comes out onto the street with the wrapped up soup
bone. Frank follows with the stand-up.

FRANK
Very nice, Jack. Very nice.

JACK
Fuck him.

FRANK
This isn't the Pine Tree Inn on Route 81, Jack.

JACK
Fuck him.

FRANK
Fuck him. Great, terrific. Fuck him.

As Frank reaches his car, he opens the trunk for the
stand-up, then counts out Jack's share of the night's money.

JACK
So we on tomorrow night?

FRANK
Maybe Thursday. I hear the harpist at the
Sheraton's got appendicitis.

Frank slams the trunk closed.

JACK
Hey.

As Frank turns, Jack tosses him the Miracle Hair can.

JACK
Don't forget your hair.

10 INT. JACK'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Small, old, sparsely furnished. A piano by the window, an
old phonograph, a bookcase full of records. Few
photographs.

As Jack enters, EDDIE, an old black Labrador, walks over
and yawns.

JACK
Try to control your excitement, will ya, Ed.

Eddie nuzzles the soup bone.

JACK
Let's see your mouth.
(taking a look)
All right. But go easy.

As Eddie retreats with the bone, Jack breaks the collar of
his shirt and pauses by the piano. He considers the keys
but, instead, flips on the PHONOGRAPH. As Bill Evans'
smoky piano solo "Turn Out the Stars" spills quietly into
the room, Jack takes off his tie... then stops. He glances to
the kitchen: dishes drip-drying in a rack. He touches an
ashtray: clean.

Taking two silent steps backward, Jack peers into the
bedroom. Inside, curled up on the bed, is a little girl
(NINA). Jack studies her a moment, then, taking the bottle
of whiskey from his coat, sits at the piano by the window,
staring into the night.

11 EXT. JACK'S APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING
(EARLY)

The sun begins to peek through the buildings of Jack's
neighborhood. Suddenly, ringing out over the rooftops is
"JINGLE BELLS" -- not the entire song, just the first few
bars, over and over.

12 INT. JACK'S APARTMENT - MORNING

Jack, on the couch covered with a blanket, his arm draped
over the slumbering Eddie, opens his eyes, Across the
room, seated at the piano, is Nina, the little girl. She stops
playing and turns.

NINA
If you want some coffee? I made some coffee.

Jack looks into the sleepy face of Eddie and sits up. He
nods to the coffee. Nina goes to the kitchen,

NINA
(the piano)
I practiced last night. I think I'm ready for "oh,
what fun it is to ride."

Jack nods. Suddenly the SOUND of heavy footsteps is
heard. Jack and Nina glance up at the ceiling.

JACK
Sounds big. What's he do?

NINA
I don't know. Ma said it's like a lawyer, only the
hours are more regular. All I know's he came to
take the TV one afternoon and ended up staying
for dinner.

JACK
What happened to the donut king?

NINA
Married.

Upstairs, a door slams and heavy feet ECHO in the
stairwell. Nina peers out the window.

NINA.
No breakfast. Maybe they had a fight.

Two deep thumps SOUND on the ceiling, a signal.

NINA
Gotta go. Teach me later?

Jack nods. As Nina exits, Jack turns to the couch and
gives Eddie a nudge.

JACK
Hey.

12A EXT. WILLIE'S PIANO SHOWROOM - DAY

The front window is cluttered with photographs of
celebrity patrons, including two of Jack and Frank in their
tuxedos.

13 INT. PIANO SHOWROOM - DAY

Inside, Jack and Frank pick through a sea of rentals.

FRANK
I just think it's time you came out for a visit, that's
all. I mean, how long's it been? A year?

JACK
(pointing to a piano)
Try the Bosen.

As Jack plays a little "Alfie" on one grand, Frank follows
suit on another. Jack frowns and glances across the room,
where a fat MAN sits absorbed in the racing form.

JACK
When you getting the Steinways back in, Willie?

WILLIE
Wednesday next.

Jack frowns again, moves to another piano.

FRANK
Look. Here's what I'm saying. You come out to the
house next weekend. You spend a few hours with
the kids. You have a ball.

JACK
I hate your kids, Frank.

FRANK
You're their uncle.

JACK
Only by relation. Besides, they hate me too.

FRANK
They don't. They're always asking about you.

JACK
They tried to electrocute me.

FRANK
It was an accident.

JACK
It was no fucking accident. The little one...

FRANK
Cindy.

JACK
She threw a goddamn radio into the bathtub. How
do you explain that?

FRANK
She didn't know what she was doing. You're too
sensitive.

JACK
You got weird kids, Frank.

FRANK
(wearying of this)
Look. It's Cindy's birthday. It'd be nice if you came
out.

Jack
(pointing)
Try the Yamaha.

Jack and Frank do a little "I Think I'm Going Out Of My
Head", then Frank looks up for a verdict.

JACK
(exiting)
Tag 'em.

FRANK
The Capri, Willie. Monday and Tuesday.

14 INT. CAPRI HOTEL/LUAU LOUNGE - NIGHT

Decked out in Hawaiian shirts, Jack and Frank bang out
"The Girl From Ipanema," while the audience -- three
sorry-looking businessmen -- stares glumly at the
grass-skirted waitresses yawning by the bar.

FRANK
...Thank you. The concludes our show for the
evening. Jack and I only hope you enjoyed
yourselves as much as we did.

15. INT. CAPRI HOTEL MANAGER'S OFFICE - NIGHT

Frank stops before a half-open door marked "HOTEL
MANAGER." Inside, a heavy MAN in a shiny suit is
throwing darts in the general direction of a dartboard.
He's not very good.

MAN (CHARLIE)
Frankie.

FRANK
You wanted to see me, Charlie?

CHARLIE
Yeah, yeah. Come on in.

FRANK
Little slow tonight.

CHARLIE
(waving it off)
Mondays. How's Jack?

FRANK
Okay.

CHARLIE
The reason I wanted to see you alone... I mean the
kitchen crew, the maids -- everybody loves him.
But me, he makes me nervous.

FRANK
Sometimes he makes me nervous.

CHARLIE
Yeah. Well, anyway.

Charlie takes an envelope, hands it to Frank.

FRANK
What's this?

CHARLIE
Your pay.

FRANK
What about tomorrow?

CHARLIE
It's all there. Both nights.

FRANK
What are you saying, Charlie?

CHARLIE
Look, Frankie. You and Jack been playing here a
long time.

FRANK
Twelve years.

CHARLIE
Maybe it's time we took a vacation from one
another.

FRANK
Vacation? Christ, Charlie, it's a Monday night. You
said so yourself... I've got the pianos for two
nights...

CHARLIE
It wasn't half full out there tonight, Frankie. I got
six waiters standing in back listening to baseball.
I gotta move the liquor. To move the liquor, I gotta
fill the tables. It's a matter of economics. Me, I
love you guys, you know that. You're class. But
people today. They don't know class if it walks
up and grabs 'em by the balls.

16 INT. CAPRI HOTEL LOBBY - NIGHT
(MINUTES LATER)

As Jack waits, he notices an elegantly dressed woman
watching him. She smiles. As Jack considers her, Frank
appears, carrying the stand-up.

JACK
Charlie's aim getting any better?

Frank keeps walking. Jack notices the stand-up.

JACK
What's with the board?

FRANK
We're dark tomorrow.

JACK
Dark?

FRANK
Don't worry. Charlie stayed true. I'll give you your
share this weekend. At the house.

As Frank moves quickly out of the door, the CAMERA
PUSHES IN SLOWLY on Jack's face.

17 OMITTED
thru
18a

19 EXT. STREET/FRANK'S HOUSE - DAY

A taxi dumps Jack out onto the street of shabby tract
houses. In his rumpled city suit, Jack looks like a cheap
gangster amid the weedy lawns and overgrown junipers.
He stuffs the gift he's carrying into his coat and walks up
to the small white house, presses the bell. No response.

The back yard is small, with a short chain link fence
surrounding it. Two kids -- a girl (CINDY) and a boy --
wearing party hats and buoyance devices, are splashing
around in a build-it-yourself above-ground pool. When
they see Jack coming, they hunker down like crocodiles,
only their heads visible.

JACK
Hey, kids. Dad home?

The two heads say nothing.

JACK
What d'ya say? Wanna run and get him for me?

Still nothing. Jack frowns, takes out a cigarette, pats his
pocket for matches. No matches.

JACK
Shit.

The kids' eyes widen at this profanity. Jack ponders things
a moment, then steps over the fence.

At which point, the tiniest head begins to SCREAM.

JACK
Hey, kid. Take it easy.

No use. The kid's a world-class screamer. Suddenly
Frank comes racing out of the house.

FRANK
Cindy! What is it?
(seeing Jack)
Jack.

JACK
Your doorbell doesn't work.

FRANK
Honey, it's only Uncle Jack. You remember Uncle
Jack.
(to Jack)
It's probably just the excitement of seeing you again.

As Jack nods slowly, we...

CUT TO:

20 INT. FRANK'S DINING ROOM - EARLY EVENING

A battered birthday cake, which reads "Happy Birthday
Cindy", sits amid crumpled party hats and shreds of gift
wrap. Jack stands alone, looking out the window into the
back yard. Turning, he glances at the cake, then exits.

21 INT. FRANK'S HALLWAY - EARLY EVENING

At the end of the hallway, shadows cling to the ceiling
outside the kitchen and VOICES can be heard -- the sound
of family. As Jack moves towards the light, a half-open
door catches his eye. Stopping, he pushes the door open,
flips on a lamp.

22 INT. BAKER BOYS' ROOM - EARLY EVENING

Elvis has Graceland. The Fabulous Baker Boys have this
little room in a tract house in the suburbs.

Memorabilia is everywhere: music ribbons, newspaper
clippings, photographs of Jack and Frank at every age,
always dressed alike, smiling identical smiles. The first
stand-up is there, carefully mounted and framed. Sheet
music, dusty and dog-eared, is everywhere, piled in
drunken stacks.

But most noticeable are the pianos: two tiny uprights,
perfectly matched, their simulated ivory keys yellowed
with age.

Jack enters and surveys all around him. There is a shelf
crowded with shot glasses from a hundred hotels, and,
next to that, a stack of souvenir coasters from another
hundred. Seeing a tiny monkey with "Hula Girl
Hideaway" printed on it's belly (lighter), Jack gives one
of the little plastic arms a flick and -- snap -- the little
tiki torch in the other hand flames up. Jack lights the unlit
cigarette in his mouth, replaces the monkey.

Slowly, Jack's eyes come back to the pianos. He taps a
key on the one nearest him and a curious expression falls
over his face. He moves to the other piano, taps a key.
They're in tune.

Turning, Jack sees that little Cindy is standing behind him,
holding a pocket radio. She looks at it, then takes a step
forward and holds her arms up to him. Jack looks wary.
She shakes her arms impatiently and he bends down.
Putting her hands on his neck, she gives him a kiss, then
runs out of the room.

WOMAN'S VOICE
Looks like you've found yourself a girlfriend.

Jack looks up, sees Franks' wife, DONNA.

JACK
The young ones always break your heart.

Donna nods, gestures to the pianos.

DONNA
Which one was yours? I can never remember.

Jack taps the one nearest to him and Donna nods again,
then studies a photo on the wall.

DONNA
Funny... I don't ever seem to come in here... you
guys were really something, weren't you?

JACK
Yeah, well, Frank always made sure we dressed
sharp. Said that was half of it.

Donna nods. She and Jack obviously don't talk much.

DONNA
So, how's that dog of yours?

JACK
Losing his teeth.

Donna nods slowly, then does a little shiver.

DONNA
Gee, it's cold on here, isn't it? Think I need a
sweater.

Donna starts to exit, then stops by the door.

DONNA
Thanks for coming, Jack. The radio, that was nice.

As Donna exits, Jack notices a stack of glossies on a table.
As he touches them they fan into a dozen images of himself.

23 INT./EXT. FRANK'S CAR - NIGHT

As Frank drives Jack back to his apartment, Jack taps an
unlit cigarette on the dash.

FRANK
(a shiver)
Jesus, it's gonna be mean this year, huh?

Jack taps the cigarette.

JACK
What happened the other night, Frank? With
Charlie.

Frank says nothing, just driving.

JACK
He paid us off, didn't he? Fifteen years, Frank.
No one paid us off.

FRANK
He made a deal. There's no shame in it.

Jack stares at Frank, then looks back out the window.

FRANK
We gotta talk.

JACK
Talk.

FRANK
I been thinking maybe we should make some
changes.
(pauses)
I been thinking maybe we should take on a singer.

Silence. Jack taps the cigarette again.

FRANK
It's just an idea. I want your opinion. I mean, we go
halfway on everything, right?

JACK
I wouldn't say exactly halfway, would you?

FRANK
We agreed if I took care of the business I'd be
entitled to a little extra. Isn't that what we agreed?

JACK
That's what we agreed.

FRANK
If you're unhappy with the arrange...

JACK
I'm not unhappy.

FRANK
If you'd like to assume more of the financial
responsibilities, I'd be...

JACK
Frank. Fuck it. Okay?
(beat)
How much? For the singer.

FRANK
I thought maybe twenty percent. I figure with the
additional bookings we'll come out ahead. The
big hotels, they want a pretty girl with a big voice.
We have to stay competitive.

Jack laughs coldly.

FRANK
What?

Jack says nothing, just tapping the cigarette again.

FRANK
Two pianos isn't enough anymore, Jack.

Jack looks out the window, at the night flickering by.

JACK
It never was.

24 INT. WILLIE'S REHEARSAL ROOM - DAY

A YOUNG WOMAN in a pink sweater and short black
skirt stands in a tiny room in the back of Willie's
showroom, holding some sheet music. Sammy Davis Jr.s
face is on the sheet music. Frank is sitting with a notepad
on his lap. Jack is at the piano.

FRANK
Good morning, miss...?

YOUNG WOMAN (MONICA)
Moran. Monica Moran.

FRANK
All right, Miss Moran...

MONICA
Actually, that's my stage name.

FRANK
I'm sorry?

MONICA
Moran. Monica. The whole thing. It's my stage
name. My real name's Blanche.

FRANK
Blanche...

MONICA
No romance, right? That's why I came up with
Monica. It's what I prefer.

FRANK
Well, that's fine.

MONICA
But if you call my house and my mother answers,
ask for Blanche. If you ask for Monica, she'll think
you have the wrong number and hang up.

FRANK
Right.

MONICA
And if she asks what it's about, don't tell her. She's
opposed to my career.

FRANK
Uh huh. Well, Miss Moran, what is it you'd like to
do for us?

MONICA
"Candy Man."
(worried)
Is that all right?

FRANK
It's one of Jack's favourites.

Monica turns, and, seeing Jack at the piano, gives a little
start.

MONICA
Oops. I almost forgot you were there. Here's the
instructions.

Monica begins to hand Jack the sheet music.

FRANK
Uh... he knows it.

MONICA
Really? Isn't that a coincidence?

JACK
Small world.

Monica smiles. She likes Jack.

FRANK
Well, shall we?

Probably not, but Jack begins to play anyway. Swinging
her arms and tapping her foot, Monica gets a feel for the
rhythm, then launches in -- between beats -- so that Jack
has to scramble over a chord to rescue her.

MONICA
"Who can take a sunrise
Sprinkle it with dew
Toss it in the air and make a groovy lemon pie
The Candy Man can
The Candy Man can..."

There would appear to be ample evidence as to why the
mother of Monica nee Blanch opposes her daughter's
career.

FRANK
Thank you, Miss Moran, that's enough.

Monica -- eyes closed, arms flung wide -- is fully caught
up in the moment. Frank looks at Jack. Jack shrugs and
continues to play.

FRANK
Miss Moran... Miss Moran... BLANCH!

Monica's eyes pop open, her mouth shut.

MONICA
Oh, sorry. I get so caught up in it sometimes. It's
scary.

FRANK
Yes, it is.

MONICA
Well... thanks.
(to Jack)
'Bye. Boy, you're good.

JACK
Drive carefully.

As Monica exits, Jack and Frank glance at one another
apprehensively and a --

25 MONTAGE BEGINS

in which a parade of singers come forth to offer their own
unique interpretations of:

A) "Feelings,"

B) "I Gotta Be Me," (sung by twins)

C) "This Is My Song," and perhaps most appropriately,

D) “What Kind Of Fool Am I?”

When it’s all over, Jack and Frank -- ties limp, collars
broken -- look like they’ve been mugged.

FRANK
This must be statistically impossible.

26 INT. WILLIE'S SHOWROOM - DAY

A YOUNG WOMAN appears in the doorway, heavily
BACKLIT. A silhouette in high heels. Willie, eating a
corn beef on rye, looks up.

YOUNG WOMAN
Hey. You one of the Fabulous Baker Boys?

27 INT. WILLIE’S REHEARSAL ROOM - DAY
(SAME TIME)

Frank is counting names on his note pad.

FRANK
Thirty-seven. Thirty-seven girls and not one who
can carry a tune.

JACK
There was a certain surreal quality to it.

YOUNG WOMAN (O.S.)
Goddamnit!

The woman in high heels stumbles into the doorway,
holding a shoe in her hand. It’s broken.

SUSIE
Brand new Thursday. Believe it?

After today, Jack and Frank are prepared to believe
anything.

SUSIE
This where the auditions are?

FRANK
This is where the auditions WERE. We’re finished.

SUSIE
What about me?

FRANK
You’re an hour and a half late.

SUSIE
Yeah, well, I had a little trouble catching a cab.

FRANKPunctuality. First rule of showbusiness.

SUSIE
(looking around)
This is showbusiness?

FRANK
(in no mood)
Look, Miss. We’re tired, you have gum on your
lip, and we’re going home.

SUSIE
(touching her lip)
Just like that, huh? I come all the way down here,
break a heel, and you’re not going to give me a
chance because I have gum on my lip and I’m a
few minutes late?

FRANK
You’re an hour and a half late. Do you want me
to say it again?

SUSIE
It’s not exactly bewitching me.
(stepping in)
Besides, you’re not going anywhere.

FRANK
I beg your pardon?

SUSIE
Intuition, I’ve had a hunch about this all day.
Only I gotta say, in my mind it was a little more
glamorous. And anyway, if I’m so late how come
you’re still here?

FRANK
We ran long.

SUSIE
Uh huh. So where’s the winner?

Frank looks a little thrown. Susie nods knowingly and
makes a little clicking noise as she taps her head.

SUSIE
See? What I tell you? Intuition.

FRANK
(pleading)
Jack.

Jack studies the girl, shrugs.

JACK
What’ve we got to lose?

FRANK
Terrific. Thirty-eight.

SUSIE
What’s that? Thirty-eight? You guys have some
kind of code or something?

Jack gestures as if to say, “it’s nothing”.

SUSIE
(to Frank)
You know, I’m sensing a lot of hostility from you.

Frank ignores this and sits down with the notepad.

FRANK
Name?

SUSIE
Susie. Susie Diamond.

JACK
Catchy. You have any previous experience as
a singer, Miss Diamond?

SUSIE
No.

FRANK
You have any entertainment experience at all?

SUSIE
Well... for the last couple years I’ve been on call
for the Triple A Escort Service.

Jack and Frank exchange a glance.

FRANK
Any RATIONAL reason you think you can sing
professionally, Miss Diamond?

SUSIE
Well, I figure if you want to see if you can swim,
throw yourself in the water. What’s the worst that
can happen?

FRANK
How about drown?

SUSIE
You know, my bet is that you’re too literal a
person.

JACK
(intervening)
What is it you’d like to share with us today,
Miss Diamond?

SUSIE
“More Than You Know.”

JACK
Key?

SUSIE
Low.

Jack nods and begins to play.

SUSIE
Real slow, okay?

Frank slumps in his chair, ready to be tortured again.

SUSIE
“More than you know
More than you know
Man of my heart
I love you so
Lately I find
You’re on my mind
More than you know...

Whether you’re right
Whether you’re wrong
Man of my heart
I’ll string along
You need me so
More than you’ll ever know...”

Susie stops. Frank Just sits there. Jack just sits there.
She can sing.

SUSIE
So?

FRANK
Uh... We'll let you know.

Jack shoots Frank a glance.

SUSIE
Don't leave a girl hanging. Second rule of
showbusiness.

Frank's not amused.

SUSIE
Yeah, well, okay. 'Bye, Bakers. Nice socks.

Susie walks out barefoot. Jack's eyes have Frank pinned.

FRANK
I just thought we should talk about it between
ourselves. I mean, don't you think she's got a little
too much... personality?

JACK
I think she's got half a voice. That makes her a
goddamn diva in this choir. We put one of those
other girls onstage, we're gonna get arrested.
(leaning forward)
And in case you didn't notice, I'm not sure
anybody's gonna be keeping track of how many
notes she hits.

FRANK
What? Her? She looks like a tramp.

JACK
Trust me.

FRANK
(the notepad)
Look, not all of them were awful. Here, Teresa
Meyers. A very nice low soprano. Sweet,
unassuming...

JACK
Low soprano? That girl could make bats cry.
Besides, she was sixteen. What're we gonna do,
help her with her algebra between sets?

Frank stares glumly at the notepad.

JACK
Frank. There ain't no pearls in a litter box.

FRANK
All right. I'll call her.

Frank rises wearily, then freezes.

JACK
What?

28 EXT. STREET OUTSIDE SHOWROOM - DAY

Jack and Frank dash outside. Nobody.

FRANK
We can always look her up in the book.

JACK
Right. Susie Diamond. She's probably listed right
next to Monica Moran.

The sound of a MATCH STRIKING is heard. There,
lighting a cigarette in the doorway, is Susie. She exhales.

SUSIE
Intuition.

29 INT. WILLIE'S REHEARSAL ROOM - DAY.

The new trio poises for their first rehearsal.

FRANK
Ready?

Jack nods.

FRANK
Ready?

Susie, sitting on a stool smoking, nods without looking
up from her lyric sheet. Frank pauses, then...

FRANK
Ready?

Jack squints strangely at Frank. Frank turns to Susie.

FRANK
Ready?

SUSIE
What are we, an orchestra all of a sudden?

Frank glares at her.

SUSIE
READY.

Frank begins to play the opening passage of "Can't Take
My Eyes Off of You". Jack joins in, then Susie.
Unfortunately, Jack and Frank, accustomed to playing
alone, are a tad overwhelming.

SUSIE
Fellas, fellas...

Jack and Frank stop.

FRANK
What's the problem?

SUSIE
The problem is I can't hear myself sing with all
this... music. You know what I'm saying?

Jack and Frank look at one another.

SUSIE
I mean back there it may be hard to notice, but up
here I'm having trouble getting a word in.

Jack and Frank just stare.

SUSIE
I mean you're supposed to be backing me up, right?

FRANK
(icily)
No. We are not supposed to be backing you up.

SUSIE
What I mean is...

JACK
We'll bring it down.

Susie's eyes shift to Jack.

JACK
Okay?

SUSIE
Okay.

30 EXT. JACK'S APARTMENT - EARLY EVENING

Once again, "Jingle Bells" is heard. Plaintively picked out
on PIANO.

31 INT. BATHROOM - JACK'S APARTMENT - EARLY
EVENING (SAME TIME)

A tuxedo, freshly pressed, hangs in the shower as Eddie
watches Jack soap his face with a shaving brush, then picks
up a razor. As NINA CLINKS badly on the final note of
"in a one horse open sleigh", Jack almost slices open his
throat.

JACK
Sharp! F Sharp!
(eyeing his throat)
Jesus.

As Nina appears in the doorway, she sees the blood
welling on Jack's neck.

NINA
You're bleeding, Jack.

As Jack gives her a "no kidding" look.

JACK
Hand me a towel, Chopin

Nina starts to gather up towels, cleaning up, and hands
one to Jack. She notes the shaving brush.

NINA
You shave like a old movie, Jack.
(nodding to ceiling)
Bigfoot gets his out of a can.

JACK
Yeah? How do you know?

NINA
I saw his stuff in the bathroom.

JACK
Sounds serious.

NINA
Uh uh. No toothbrush.

JACK
What do you mean?

NINA
No toothbrush. Toothbrush is serious. The donut
king...?

JACK
Yeah?

NINA
He had a toothbrush. And toothpaste.

JACK
I thought he was married.

Nina exits with an armful of laundry.

NINA (O.S.)
He was married, but he was serious.

32 INT. HILTON LOBBY - NIGHT (AN HOUR LATER)

As Frank paces, Jack smokes calmly.

FRANK
I told everyone seven-fifteen. Didn’t I?
Seven-fifteen.

JACK
She’ll get here.

FRANK
Just like the day of the auditions, right? Jesus.
How’s my hair?

JACK
Awe inspiring.

FRANK
Yeah, well, yours isn’t. Let me run a comb through
it.

JACK
Get out of here!

FRANK
It’s not gonna hurt you.

JACK
I’ll hit you, Frank. I swear.

Frank hesitates, like a basketball player trying to feint an
opponent, then takes a flick at Jack’s hair. Jack cuffs him
on the shoulder.

FRANK
You hit me.

JACK
I told you I was gonna hit you.

He looks capable of hitting him again, too.

FRANK
All right, I’m a little wound up.

JACK
You’re a fucking alarm clock.

FRANK
I just wish she’d get here.

JACK
She’s here.

Susie, wearing a flamboyant dress, is standing across the
lobby, staring at the stand-up.

FRANK
Christ, look at her.
(walking over)
Good evening, Miss Diamond. You’re late.

Susie is still looking at the stand-up, which is unchanged
except for a small notation at the bottom: “WITH GUEST
VOCALIST.”

SUSIE
Guest vocalist? Who’s next week? Beverly Sills?
And how come you guys are the only ones with
your pictures on the poster?

FRANK
We’ll talk about it later. Where’s your dress?

SUSIE
(to Jack)
What’s he talking about?

FRANK
Is there a language problem here? Your dress. For
tonight. Where is it?

SUSIE
Do I look like I’m naked?

FRANK
That! Are you insane!

SUSIE
(to Jack)
He doesn’t like the dress, right?

Before Jack can reply, Frank grabs Susie’s arm.

SUSIE
Hey!

FRANK
Come on. We don’t have much time.

33 INT. DEPARTMENT STORE - DRESS DEPARTMENT
- NIGHT

As the tri