INT. BATCAVE--NIGHT
Opening his vault, Bruce breaks out the
Bat suit and
begins to get into it.
INT. SELINA'S VOLKSWAGEN--NIGHT
As she drives, Selina pulls her Catwoman
outfit out from
underneath the single-woman-old-People-magazine-Diet-
Cola-can detrius of her Volkswagen.
EXT. COUNTRY ROAD--NIGHT
The VOLKSWAGEN CHUGS away.
EXT. A GOTHAM ALLEY--NIGHT
The Batmobile coasts into a deserted
alley. Batman bounds
forth and activates the car's security
shields.
EXT. GOTHAM PLAZA--NIGHT
Klieg-lights sweep the plaza, as though
everything was
fine. The rattled Mayor is at the mike,
trying to
maintain calm.
MAYOR
People .. fellow citizens ...
There's no need for panic, this
can still be a party that Gotham
will remember for --
His tremulous voice overwhelmed by SHRIEKING
feedback.
EXT. GOTHAM ALLEY--NIGHT
Led by the Poodle Lady, the Ratty Poodle
hobbles to the
mouth of the alley. There's the Batmobile.
Behind them come Penguin's perverse crew,
each holding a
toolbox.
The Knifethrower Dame climbs atop the
security cloak with
a crude laser device. She jimmies the
laser and with a
whoosh, the shield sputters off.
Each Gang-member sports a meticulous
drawing on a
protruding headpiece, so he can scan the
card while
toiling with both hands. The Red Triangle
Gang begins
taking apart the Batmobile.
EXT. ATOP A GOTHAM PLAZA BUILDING--NIGHT
Hidden in shadow, Batman cautiously surveys
the crowd.
Amid the feedback, sentence fragments
waft up from the PA:
MAYOR
... incess will be safely ... atman
will be brought in for ques ...
Now Batman notices a building across
the alley. In the
one open window sits a bound and gagged
Princess.
Batman fires across a grapple to the
ledge above.
EXT. GOTHAM ALLEY--NIGHT
The Batmobile has been dismantled like
a post-Thanksgiving
turkey. Wires are twisted. Clamps are
added. The piece
de resistance is A BEACON/ANTENNA that
is placed carefully
beneath the vehicle.
EXT. LOFT LEDGE--NIGHT
The viewer catches Batman on the last
squeak of a swoosh-
ing ride, into:
INT. LOFT--NIGHT
All that's in here are the Ice Princess
and the chair
she's lashed to. Batman pulls out her
gag. She BABBLES
her thanks as we BRING UP the WHINE of
SIRENS, below. As
Batman struggles to untie the many knots,
restraining her:
BATMAN
Gotta hurry. I was set up to look
like I did this --
ICE PRINCESS
No sweat, I'll just tell the police
I was kidnapped by an ugly little
birdman with fish breath.
CATWOMAN (O.S.)
Did someone say 'fish'?
She drops from the ceiling.
CATWOMAN
Yummy, I haven't been fed all day.
Then she kicks out at Batman -- but the
came-to-play
Crusader grabs her heel and twists her
down, face first.
BRUCE
Eat floor. High fibre ...
Catwoman springs up, pouting.
CATWOMAN
Hey stud: I thought we had
something together.
BATMAN
We do.
He head-butts her. But Catwoman quickly
recovers, then
back-flips to the Princess and talons
her free. Tosses
the chair at Batman as she drags the squealing
Princess
through a door.
CATWOMAN
Gotta go, girl-talk, guys keep
out!
Batman swats away the flying chair and
hustles after
them. The door is dead-bolted. He crunches
it open.
EXT. FIRE ESCAPE--NIGHT
Catwoman wrenches a resisting, squealing
Ice Princess up
a fire escape. Batman rumbles after them,
a floor behind.
EXT. GOTHAM ALLEY--NIGHT
The Gang busily backtracks, restoring
the Batmobile to
its original state.
The Knifethrower Dame reactivates the
security shield as
the Gang skedaddles.
EXT. FIRE ESCAPE--NIGHT
Batman crashes up the last flight, onto...
EXT. BUILDING ROOFTOP--NIGHT
Catwoman has vanished. The Ice Princess
stands here,
near the lip of the building, shivering
in her skimpy
costume.
ICE PRINCESS
She let me go. I think 'cause
I reasoned with her, girl to girl.
BATMAN
(cautious, approaches)
Okay .. just slowly move toward
me ... away from the edge ...
As the Ice Princess takes a tentative
step forward:
PENGUIN'S VOICE
Look out -- lawn dart!
He steps into the light and lofts an
umbrella.
Its sharp point sticks in the roof, an
inch from the
Princess's big toe. The umbrella automatically
opens,
releasing several live baby bats, that
swarm up at her.
BATMAN
No -- don't panic --
Batman bounds to her aid, but the Ice
Princess steps
back, away from the bats, losing her balance
...
One sweeping Klieg-light catches Batman
as he rushes
at the Ice Princess, arms outstretched
to save her.
The other Klieg lights the Princess herself,
as she
topples off the building!
EXT. GOTHAM PLAZA--NIGHT
A huge crowd is gaping up at the terrible
scene.
CROWD MEMBER
Batman? Batman pushed the
Princess!
The devastated Mayor and his staff follow,
with their
heads, the trajectory of the Princess
-- which corre-
sponds to that of their careers.
Her body slams down onto the gaily multi-colored
button.
This makes the Christmas tree come to
life, but not with
lights. Instead a legion of EEKING BATS
bellow out from
the tree's branches and swoop uopn the
crowd, violently
rearranging a hundred hair-do's.
EXT. BUILDING ROOFTOP--NIGHT
Both Batman and Penguin stand here (on
opposite ends of
the roof), looking down on the mind-boggling
pandemonium.
PENGUIN
Bats with wings, do your things ...
Batman turns on Penguin, to do irreparable
injury, but
the rooftop door flies open (hiding Penguin)
and a
squadron of Cops drop into combat position.
BATMAN
Wait --
COMMISSIONER GORDON
Hold your f--
Too late. The volley of bullets violently
ripple against
Batman's armor, sending him over the edge
of the building.
He clangs onto a terrace railing, then
lands on
another ...
EXT. TERRACE--NIGHT
An enfeebled Batman tries to stand, but
is gently pushed
back down by Catwoman's sexy straddle.
CATWOMAN
You're catnip to a girl like me:
handsome, dazed, and to die for.
As she leans down to kiss him cat-style
(a lick on his
lips) Batman sees, above her head, a hanging
sprig of
mistletoe.
BATMAN
A kiss under the misteltoe.
Mistletoe can be deadly, if you
eat it ...
CATWOMAN
But a kiss can be even deadlier,
if you mean it.
She unfastens his Bat-belt, flings it
off the terrace.
EXT. TERRACE--NIGHT
Still straddling the winded Crusader:
CATWOMAN
You're the second man who killed
me this week. But hey, no prob ...
I've got seven lives left.
BATMAN
I tried to grab you -- save you --
CATWOMAN
Seems like every woman you try to
save ends up dead, or deeply
resentful.
She savagely pulls him up.
CATWOMAN
Maybe it's time to retire.
She viciously claws at his face, and
mask, but Batman
feints back and does a reverse swan-dive
off the terrace.
EXT. IN AIR--NIGHT
As Batman falls, a pair of balsa wood-enforced,
black
cloth kite-wings extend out and open.
EXT. PLAZA BELOW--NIGHT
Gotham citizens gape at the bizarre sight
of Batman flying
amid his real-life counterparts.
EXT. GOTHAM ALLEY--NIGHT
Batman continues to swoosh ever downward.
He edges out
before the crowd. Parallel to the ground,
Batman glides
into the alley for a skidding, quasi-crash,
leaving him
barely conscious. The black balsa batwings
crunch to
pieces in the tumble. The Batmobile looms
at the end of
the alley.
EXT. THE TERRACE--NIGHT
Catwoman turns away from the scene of
Batman's disgrace.
CATWOMAN
You said you were going to scare
the Ice Princess.
Penguin is standing here, with a battered
Tiffany box.
PENGUIN
And I kept my word! The lady
looked terrified.
He opens the box, revealing a hideous
engagement ring.
PENGUIN
Let's consummate our fiendish union!
CATWOMAN
(sneers)
I wouldn't touch you to scratch you.
PENGUIN
I oughta have you spayed! You
sent out all the signals!
CATWOMAN
(moment of doubt)
Did I? Only 'cause my mom trained
me to, with a man... any man, all
men --
(slaps her forehead)
Corn dog!
Enough self-hate. Catwoman redirects
her rage at Penguin.
CATWOMAN
Me, domesticated? By you? I doubt
it! You repulsive... awful...
penguin.
PENGUIN
The name is Oswald Cobblepot.
He hooks the umbrella's handle around
her neck. It auto-
matically curls into a tight semi-noose,
then the ribs
start to spin, shredding the pannels...
it's now a tiny
helicopter...
PENGUIN
And the wedding's been called off.
Catwoman is yanked up, into the air.
Penguin wistfully
waves fairwell. Then mopes away.
EXT. GOTHAM SKYLINE--NIGHT
Catwoman whirls through the Gotham sky.
She painfully stretches out with her
claws and tears
open the strangling handle. She is released.
Catwoman makes a dazzlingly awesome freefall
plunge,
finally crashing through a skylight into...
INT. A PENTHOUSE GREENHOUSE--NIGHT
and a tableful of flowers. She lies for
a moment in
stunned silence then bursts into an inhuman
wail that
shatters the greenhouse glass.
EXT. PLAZA--NIGHT
Penguin is escorted through the crowd
toward a CAMPAIGN
BUS emblazoned "Cobblepot, Soft He's
Not". Gothamites
offer encouragement, which cheers him
a tad ... he
presses buttons upon his more bosomy supporters
... which
cheers him a lot.
INT. CAMPAIGN BUS--NIGHT
Invigorated, Penguin moves straight to
a twisted-tech
remote control panel of switches, buttons
and levers,
all labeled with the various functions
of the Batmobile.
As a bonus, there's a mini-steering wheel.
Cackling,
Penguin grabs it.
EXT. GOTHAM ALLEY--NIGHT
Batman staggers toward his car. He undoes
the security
cloak on the deceptively pristine Batmobile.
A CROWD OF
PURSUERS of the "There-he-is-Don't-let-him-get-away"
variety, swing around the corner.
Batman quickly crashes down into the
driver's seat and
takes a breath of guarded relief when
suddenly the doors
loudly lock. All systems on the control
panel flash on
by themselves. The engine cacophonously
VROOMS.
INT. THE BATMOBILE--NIGHT
Batman pounds his fist into a Batmobile
window to no
effect. Penguin's face comes on the screen
the same way
Alfred's innocuously did before.
PENGUIN (screen)
Don't adjust your set. Welcome
to the Oswald Cobblepot School
of Driving. Gentleman, start
your screaming...
The vehicle thunders forward, slamming
him back.
EXT. THE BATMOBILE--NIGHT
blasts from an alley, freaking out his
pursuers, and
makes a wild turn into the street.
INT. CAMPAIGN BUS--NIGHT
Penguin rambunctiously joggles the steering
wheel. On
one screen, he sees Batman's tensed face.
On another
screen is a Batmobile-eye view.
PENGUIN
Maybe this is a bad time to mention
it, but my license has expired.
Of course, so have you.
INT. THE BATMOBILE--NIGHT
Batman tears off a shard of his console.
Rips and tugs
at various wires...
INT. CAMPAIGN BUS--NIGHT
PENGUIN plays his controls like the Phantom
of the Opera.
INT. BATMOBILE--NIGHT
Levers on the console move down by themselves.
Batman
uses Hurculean strength to push them back
up.
PENGUIN
(onscreen)
Batman... I know you're not having
a swell time, but lemme tellya:
Taking control of your vehicle,
mowing down decent people, and
laying the bad vibes squarely on
you ... makes the hairs in my
nose tingle.
EXT. GOTHAM PLAZA--NIGHT
There is a major traffic jam on this
one-way street
caused by two cars involved in a fender-bender.
The two
angry Drivers are out of their vehicles,
arguing; a Cop
tries to mediate. Meantime sixteen or
so cars are backed
up. Suddenly, from down the block, there's
a NOISE loud
enough to drown out all the blaring horns.
Everyone
turns back, to silently gape at:
The Batmobile, blasting up the block!
It's plowing
stopped cars out of its path onto the
sidewalk, where
some crash through storefronts! Now the
Batmobile
reaches the head of the line ...
As the two stunned Drivers stop arguing
and just stare
in horror, both their vehicles are sent
flying -- one
hits a fire hydrant and shears it clean
off! A heavy
geyser of water shoots up and strikes
the electrical
insulator suspended above, knocking the
large coil onto
the wet sidewalk. Now the coil starts
to short, firing
off sparks, setting a small store afire
as the Batmobile
streaks out of frame, to continue its
trajectory of terror.
INT. BATMOBILE--NIGHT
As Batman continues to tear at his console:
PENGUIN
(onscreen)
Just relax, and I'll take care of
the squealing, wretched, pinhead
puppets of Gotham.
EXT. ANOTHER GOTHAM STREET--NIGHT
A pack of Gothamites flee in different
directions,
leaving a stranded old lady immobile with
fear. The
Batmobile spectacularly angles right at
her. She's a
bunny paralyzed by the headlights.
INT. CAMPAIGN BUS--NIGHT
Penguin licks his lips as the Batmobile
zooms toward her.
PENGUIN
Helpless old lady at twelve o'clock
high.
He presses down on the accelerator.
INT./EXT. THE BATMOBILE--NIGHT
Batman yanks open a ceiling panel, revealing
another
myriad of wires and fuses. He stares with
harsh
concentration. He pulls out a round fuse.
The Batmobile squeaks to a sudden dead
halt, centimeters
before the vibrating then fleeing old
lady.
EXT. GOTHAM STREET--NIGHT
The steel jack-type device again explodes
out of the
bottom of the Batmobile, lifting it up
off the ground.
But instead of going into a simple, suave
180 twist,
the car convulses into a Tasmanian Devil
spin that
revolves it at mind-roasting speed. A
battalion of
police cars surround it. Officers jump
out and begin
firing.
INT. THE BATMOBILE--NIGHT
Penguin's image on the spinning screen
surreally
cackles....
INT. CAMPAIGN BUS--NIGHT
Penguin twists the Square knob some more,
as he squawks:
PENGUIN
Ya gotta admit ... I've played
this stinking city like a harp
from hell!
EXT./INT. THE BATMOBILE--NIGHT
spins even faster. Batmobile drives his
fist through the
screen, shutting up his nemesis.
Then he kicks and tears open a panel
on the floor.
There's a thick tangle of wires and spinning
gears down
here. Batman bravely plunges his glove
through the mess,
pounding out a hole through the Batmobile's
gleaming
black skin...
Looking up at the underside of the Batmobile,
we see
Batman reach down through the hole and
find the gang's
Beacon Rod.
He snaps it in half.
The jack is sucked back up and the Batmobile
breaks out
of its cartoon swirl and rockets between
two police cars,
smashing a third as it speeds off.
INT. CAMPAIGN BUS--NIGHT
Frustrated, Penguin pounds the controls.
PENGUIN
Came this close to a perfect
evening! Iced the princess. Blew
away Batman. Almost got married.
Killed the bitch. This close..!
EXT. STREET--NIGHT
The two Police Cars give chase, blowing
out their
weaponry at the Batmobile.
INT. THE BATMOBILE--NIGHT
Batman floors the pedal while rummaging
through his con-
sole's twisted wires. With his free hand,
he makes a
sharp right turn.
DEAD-END STREET
The Batmobile swooshes onto a road that
has two brick
buildings towering at the end of it with
only a small
not-quite-a-car-let-alone-a-Batmobile-size
gap between
them.
THE POLICE screech behind them.
POLICEMAN
(shouts)
He'll never fit!
INT./EXT. THE BATMOBILE--NIGHT
The Batmobile streaks closer to the building.
The cops
continue to fire.
Batman sparks two wires together. The
windshield wipers
come on.
BATMAN
(gently puzzled)
That's funny...
The buildings loom before the windshield.
BATMAN
(with a strange laugh)
Now I'm a little worried....Oh.
Batman connects two wires.
EXT. BATMOBILE--NIGHT
The sides of the Batmobile break off
and clang to the
ground and the wheels of the car remarkably
contort in a
single-file roller blade configuration,
leaving only a
sleek missile of a car that smoothly darts
between the
two buildings.
EXT. THE STREET--NIGHT
The lead cop car tries to follow, but
gets wedged between
the buildings. The cop car behind piles
into it!
EXT. OTHER SIDE OF THE BUILDINGS' GAP--NIGHT
The Bat-missile-mobile slashes out of
the gap. Then does
a suave, angled speed skate around a corner.
And
disappears.
EXT. PLAZA--NEXT DAY
Max escorts Penguin -- er, Oswald Cobblepot.
Despite the
heavy turnout for the "Recall The
Mayor" rally, Penguin
(twirling a red-white-and-blue umbrella)
is cranky.
MAX
... So he survived ... C'mon, be a
mensch, stand t...
Max trails off. Penguin is giving him
that "my nose
could be gushing blood" look.
PENGUIN
He didn't even lose a limb, an
eyeball ... bladder control ..
MAX
Point is, listen to them. They've
lost faith in old symbols.
They're ready to bond with you, the
icon of the future. If it works,
don't fix it...
He fairly pushes the grumpy Penguin onto
a platform.
MAX
We'll celebrate tonight, at my
annual Max-squerade ball. Shreck
and Cobblepot, the visionary
alliance.
Penguin takes the mike, looking grouchy
and uninspired.
Down in front, a shameless, toothsome
Cobblepot-Groupie
flashes major cleavage, as though Penguin
were a pop star.
This heartens Penguin. He quickly rises
to the occasion.
PENGUIN
(booming squawk)
When it came time to ensure the
safety of our city, did the Mayor
have a plan? No, he relied on a
man. A "bat" man.
Somewhere in the crowd stands Selina.
Staring poker-
faced at the podium, her gaze flicking
between Penguin
and Max Shreck.
INT. WAYNE MANOR STUDY--DAY
Bruce and Alfred watch "Cobblepot's"
address on TV.
PENGUIN
(onscreen)
A ticking time bomb of a costumed
freak who finally exploded last
night, spraying this city with
shrapnel of shame!
Bruce rises. Rolls up a sleeve as he
moves to his aquarium.
Sticks in his arm, puts two fingers through
the window of a
miniature Wayne Manor. Fish swarm his
wrist...
ALFRED
I'm less worried about this ghastly
grotesque... more concerned about
repairing the Batmobile. It's not
as though we can simply bring it
to any old Joe's Body Shop. Is
it, sir?
Bruce pulls out a key. And laughs.
BRUCE
Hey, who let Vicki Vale into the
Batcave? I'm sitting there
working, I turn around, it's like,
"Oh hi, Vick, c'mon in."
Then on to a medieval Iron Maiden set
in a corner across
the room. He muses:
BRUCE
Selina ... more facets than Vicki,
huh? Funny, but sort of mysterious...
BRUCE
"Affair" ... yes, maybe ...
if
she ...
ALFRED
I think I'll take the stairs.
The spikes retract and the bottom drops
out of the Iron
Maiden, as it closes.
INT. THE BATCAVE--DAY
Bruce slides out of a chute, then strolls
to a console.
He pulls out the CD he'd pocketed last
night, and inserts
it into a sleek aparatus as Alfred comes
puffing
downstairs.
Penguin is still posturing, on a large
SCREEN down here.
PENGUIN
You ask, am I up here for personal
glory? Ha ... I toiled for many
years in happy obscurity, beneath
your boulevards ... No, the glory
I yearn to recapture, is the Glory
of Gotham ...!
Alfred, all the while, is manning his
own console. He's
punches in a command, "Find Frequency",
which quickly
brings up the read-out "Frequency
Found". His next typed
command, "Jam Frequency" soon
yields the read-out
"Frequency Jammed."
Alfred nods to Bruce: time to play. Bruce
presses Play.
EXT. GOTHAM PLAZA STAGE--DAY
PENGUIN
How can this be accomplished? I
know you're all concerned.
Suddenly his mike goes dead -- but his
VOICE keeps RINGING
out over the Plaza, somehow.
PENGUIN'S VOICE
Hey, just relax and I'll take
care of the squealing, wretched,
pinhead puppets of Gotham.
Penguin is stunned.
PENGUIN
Wait a sec -- I didn't say that.
But nobody can hear his unamplified voice,
over the
recorded one, from last night.
PENGUIN'S VOICE
Ya gotta admit ... I've played this
stinking city like a harp from
hell!
As his Campaign Workers back off the
stage, the puffed-up
Oswald Cobblepot reverts to the limping,
twisted Penguin.
INT. THE BATCAVE--DAY
Like a sophisticated rap Club DJ, Bruce
"scratches" the
CD.
EXT. GOTHAM PLAZA--DAY
The single phrase loudly resounds, again
and again, as
Penguin helplessly stands here, lips moving
but unheard.
PENGUIN'S VOICE
"This stinking city, stinking
city ..."
Mortified, Penguin spazzes -- looking,
for a second, like
a rapper. His performance is greeted with
snowballs ...
then a couple of eggs and tomatoes find
their way to his
face.
Finally Penguin gallops away from the
mike -- bumping into
Max Shreck, who is fighting to get off
the platform.
Penguin claws at his mentor, losing a
glove in the
process.
PENGUIN
Max! Relax! Josh and Jen'll put
a spin on this. We'll talk it over
tonight, at your costume par--
MAX
(shakes his head)
I think you'd feel out of place at
my party. You see, it's for
winners.
He scrams. Leaving Penguin wiping his
face and wondering:
PENGUIN
Why is there always someone who
brings eggs and tomatoes to a
speech!?
When suddenly a posse of livid Gothamites,
ripping off
their Oswald Cobblepot buttons, come at
him like a human
wave.
EXT. GOTHAM PARK--DAY
Penguin makes a wild dash through the
park, just ahead
of the angry mob, barely leaping a park
bench. As the
Gothamites gain, he turns, FIRING a salvo
from his
patriotic umbrella. In response, the Park
Cops unholster
their weapons and shoot back. Penguin
saves himself by
diving off the storybook bridge -- the
very bridge his
parents dumped him from, many Christmases
ago -- splash-
ing deep into the icy brook.
INT. PENGUIN'S LAIR--DAY
Penguin trudges, head down, out of the
abyss of his sewer
pipe back into the light of his Lair.
Thuds into his Rubber
Duck boat and revs it toward the abandoned
Arctic island.
Oblivious to his pain, his penguins squawk
and play.
This brings a dark smile to the Penguin's
thin lips.
PENGUIN
My babies ... Did you miss me?
As he docks his Duck, the remaining members
of the Red
Triangle Circus Gang straggle into the
lair through a
tunnel of Snow and Ice. The Thin Clown
pops into his
face.
THIN CLOWN
Great speech, Oswald. The way you
told those rubes the score!
Penguin brutally smacks the Clown's skull
with his umbrella.
PENGUIN
My name's not Oswald, it's Penguin!
(burst of renewal)
I am not a human being! I'm an
animal! A cold-blooded one.
Crank the a.c.!
He yanks off his tux, rips off his other
glove and wiggles
his webbed hands, as he rallies his gang.
PENGUIN
I'm glad this happened. I've
learned a little somethng: I
don't want their "love". Their
"love" is false and suffocating.
Ah, but their hatred and disgust
-- that frees me! Anyway it's
too damn muggy up there!
Christmas, right? And I'm
schvitzing.
The Gang clucks its sympathy. Penguin
claps his hands.
PENGUIN
Where's my list!? Bring me the
names!
A beat, and then the Knifethrower Dame
is here, with
Penguin's stack of legal pads he'd filled
at the Hall of
Records.
PENGUIN
It's time. What I've been waiting
for my whole putrid life. They
had their chance, they blew it,
and now they'll pay ...
Penguin hops around with dark glee, like
Rumpelstiltskin.
PENGUIN
Oh, what a collosal bill has come
due! Gotham will never forget.
He tears pages from the pad, starts handing
them out. The
Red Triangle Hoods are reading the names
... "Evan Black,
181 Shepherd Lane"... "Thomas
Frankel, 273 Carlton Avenue"
... frankly confused.
PENGUIN
These are the first-born sons of
Gotham City! Like I was! And
just like me, a terrible fate waits
for them.
The surviving Circus Members send up
a changed-my-mind
CHEER.
INT. THE BATCAVE--NIGHT
Bruce works on the battered Batmobile,
rewiring, etc.
The TV SCREEN is on ... a press-conference
with the
Mayor. We catch phrases like "Return
to normalcy" and
"Seen the last of that hateful charlatan
..."
Now Alfred appears, holding the invitation
to tonight's
ball -- away from him, as though it smells.
ALFRED
Mr. Wayne ... a reminder: Tonight
is that loathsome party, hosted
by that odious Mr. Shreck. May we
RSVP in the resoundingly negative?
BRUCE
I'm tempted, but ... well ... it
is an occasion for celebration,
and ... umm ... Selina will probably
be there ...
ALFRED
Ah.
(then)
"Who", may I ask, are you going
"as"?
BRUCE
(ambiguous smile)
You'll never guess.
INT. THE SPOOKILY REBUILT DEPARTMENT
STORE--NIGHT
Max Shreck stands on a platform before
a microphone, wear-
ing a scary black leather jacket-and-everything-else-
ensemble with a vivid red eye-mask.
MAX
Attention Shoppers...
A SWARM OF PARTY GUESTS laugh appreciatively,
also
in COSTUME--costumes that are exotic,
erotic, evil, and
pretty stupid. An ARMORED KNIGHT lifts
his visor to
bulge his eyes at this annoying behavior.
It is Alfred.
As Max speaks, one takes in the rejuvenated
department
store, still eerily burnt around the edges.
New and
glitzy Christmas decorations shine. The
whole store has
been bathed in seductive nightclub lighting.
MAX
Like this splendid department
store, Gotham can quickly bounce
back from the tumult of the past
days ... So deck the halls, and
shake your booties!
A BAND behind Max launches into a sultry
headbanger.
Guests begin to groove out on a make-shift
dance floor.
Max gives a "forgive me?" toast
toward the vindicated
Mayor who is dressed in a Roman Toga that
sprouts a
Caesar-style myriad of plastic daggers
and fake blood.
Various people are in Batman and Catwoman
outfits,
including an undulating couple on the
dance floor, Josh
and Jen. Josh is Catwoman. Jen is Batman.
JOSH
Jen, look over there, but don't
stare.
JEN
(staring)
My god. How rude.
They are revealed to be looking at Bruce
Wayne strutting
down the main aisle, dressed dramatically
as......BRUCE
WAYNE. The only one without a costume,
Bruce catches
some glares from the hedonists. He and
Max shake hands,
trading chilly smiles.
MAX
Ingenious costume. Let me guess
... Trust-fund goody-goody?
BRUCE
Course you're feeling fine ... You
almost made a monster the Mayor of
Gotham City.
MAX
I am the light of this city. And
I am its mean, twisted soul. Does
it really matter who's the "mayor"?
BRUCE
It does to me.
MAX
Yawn.
He drifts off. Bruce considers having
the last word, when
his attention is diverted to a new guest,
entering. It's:
Selina Kyle, dramatically dressed as
... Selina Kyle. She
draws the same sour looks as Bruce did.
And ignores them,
as Bruce did. Gives Bruce a lovely, world-weary
smile.
INT. STORE DANCE FLOOR--NIGHT
Chip Shreck is dressed as an old-time
football hero, in
knickers, etc. He moves, warily, across
the floor ...
CHIP
Selina ... Ms. Kyle... May I have
this --
Bruce cuts in and Selina lets him: The
band does a
ballad as Selina flows into Bruce's arms.
They nakedly
dance amid the swathed-in-artifice revelers.
BRUCE
Sorry about yesterday ... Some big
deal came together, no, fell
through, and --
SELINA
'S'okay, I had to go home, feed my
cat.
BRUCE
No hard feelings?
Selina presses against her partner. Smiles.
SELINA
Actually ... semi-hard, I'd say.
Bruce blushes, steps back. Selina does
a sultry
pirouette.
SELINA
There's a big, comfy California
King over in Bedding. What say
we ...
BRUCE
(ironic)
Y'mean take off our costumes?
SELINA
(sad laugh)
Guess I'm sick of wearing masks ...
BRUCE
Same here. So why'd you come
tonight?
SELINA
You first.
Bruce presses close to her again.
BRUCE
To see you.
He waits for a response. Selina pauses,
then:
SELINA
That's lovely and I really wish I
could say the same, but ... I came
for Max.
At first, Bruce doesn't understand.
BRUCE
You don't mean ... you and Max ..?
Selina gives a harsh laugh, shakes her
head.
SELINA
This and Max.
She discreetly pulls a little derringer
from her evening
bag. Shocked, Bruce pushes it back in
her bag.
INT. THE SEWER BELOW THE STORE--EVENING
The spooky ballad wafts into a sewer
below the Store.
The lights of the party radiate through
the grate of a
ventilator shaft. Rising into this strange
mix of music,
light, and slime is Penguin's Rubber Duck.
On its
scissor-lift, it continues to climb, at
first revealing
Four Penguin Shock Troops, in bizarre
headgear, missiles
pointed straight up.
INT. STORE--DANCE FLOOR--NIGHT
Bruce and Selina continue to dance, emotions
rising.
SELINA
Now don't give me a killing-Max-
won't-solve-anything speech,
because it will. Aren't you tired
of this sanctimonious robber baron
always coming out on top? When he
should be six feet under?
BRUCE
Jesus, Selina, you're not the judge
or the jury... I mean, just who do
you think you are?
SELINA
I don't know anymore, Bruce ...
They glide together beneath a piece of
hanging mistletoe,
and she gives a soft, almost regretful
kiss. And laughs.
SELINA
A kiss under the mistletoe.
Mistletoe can be deadly, if you
eat it ...
BRUCE
But a kiss can be even deadlier,
if you mean ... it.
And suddenly it hits them -- what? No!
Can it be?
BRUCE SELINA
You're ... her? You're ... him?
Bruce tenderly, carefully undoes the
cuff of Selina's
blouse and pulls back her sleeve. Feels:
BRUCE
The burn I gave you.
Meanwhile Selina's hand explores under
Bruce's shirt, finds:
SELINA
The puncture wounds I gave you.
(wearily)
Oh god ... does this mean we have
to start fighting now?
Bruce's answer is to hold her tight.
He's scared, so is she.
SELINA
... What do we do?
BRUCE
I don't know. Till we figure it
out, let's ... let's keep dancing.
That works for Selina. They sway on,
to the haunting song.
Alfred is standing next to Commissioner
Gordon, watching.
GORDON
A darling couple.
ALFRED
Yes, made for each other ...
Abruptly a square of dance floor EXPLODES,
sending Bruce,
Selina, Chip, Max, Josh, Jen, Alfred,
Gordon, et al,
sprawling.
Erupting up from the sizzling hole is
Penguin, in his
Rubber Duck. In addition to the Four Penguins,
he's
brought the Organ Grinder with his Gatling
gun. The
Revelers SHRIEK as the Organ Grinder introduces
his boss:
ORGAN GRINDER
Yes, Virginia, there is an anti-
Christ!
PENGUIN
You didn't invite me, so I
crashed!
Once again, the Mayor steps forward.
MAYOR
What do you want ... "Penguin"?
PENGUIN
Nothing from you ... "Putz".
He pushes the Mayor out of the way. And
announces, to the
horrified throng:
PENGUIN
Right now, my troops are fanning
out across town, for your
children ...
(over gasps)
Yes, for your first-born sons ...
The ones you left helpless, at
home, so you could dress up like
jerks, get juiced on Max's
Shreggnog...
As those closest to the bomb blast dazedly
pick themselves
up off the dance floor ...
PENGUIN
I've personally come for Gotham's
favorite son ... Mr. Chip Shreck!
The Organ Grinder grabs a struggling
Chip holding him with
an ornate handgun.
A woozy Selina turns, to her dance partner:
SELINA
Bruce ... we have to do someth ...
Then trails off. Bruce has slipped away,
in the confusion.
Penguin crows, as Chip is hustled over
to the Rubber
Duck:
PENGUIN
You're coming with me, you Great
White Dope! To die, way down in
the sewer!
MAX
Not Chip! Please! Penguin ...
If you have one iota of human
feeling, you'll take me instead.
PENGUIN
I don't. So, no.
MAX
(grabs Penguin's coat)
I'm the one you want! Penguin,
please! Ask yourself: Isn't it
Max Shreck who manipulated and
betrayed you? Isn't it Max, not
Chip, whom you want to see immersed
up to his eyeballs in raw sewage?
PENGUIN
(removing Max's hands)
Okay, you have a point. Plus, the
hysterics are getting on my nerves.
Then barks:
PENGUIN
Let Knute Rockne live. For now.
The Organ Grinder frees Chip, grabs Max.
Forces him into
the Rubber Duck. Penguin jumps in after
them.
As the Rubber Duck swooshes back down
into the hole, the
penguins cover the escape by firing a
smokey volley:
Smoke bombs ... that create massive,
coughing chaos ...
EXT. GOTHAM CITY - NIGHT (MONTAGE)
The Red Triangle Gang sweeps the city
for its first-born
sons.
1. A Darling Little Boy sits at the window-sill,
dreamily staring out. Suddenly a CLOWN
pops up,
into view.
DARLING LITTLE BOY
Finally. The tooth fairy ... What
do I get?
We see he's lost a front tooth.
CLOWN
Why, the ride of your life. Hey
c'mon, little guy ...
The Clown reaches out a hand. The Boy
eagerly steps
up onto the sill, then disappears into
the night ...
2. A cute bathroom. Sheep, daisies, and
the Alphabet
adorn the walls. A Toddler is standing
here, making
faces at himself in the mirror, and giggling.
OS, we
hear:
NANNY'S VOICE
Billy ... If you're not brushing,
I'll tell your Mama ...
Suddenly, in the mirror, the Organ Grinder
appears,
monkey scampering across his shoulders.
The Toddler
starts to scream, but the Organ Grinder
clamps a huge
hand over his mouth --
3. A plush nursery. An Infant boy peacefully
sleeps in
a custom-wood crib. An Acrobat-Thug quietly
vaults
through the window. Scoops up the infant,
vaults out
as an alarm WAILS, but the Infant sleeps
on --
The montage quickly accelerates: a swift
succession of
sleeping, bundled babes handed through
windows, doors ...
INT. LAIR - NIGHT
Penguin impatiently waits, pacing as
he twirls two
identical long, elegant umbrellas.
PENGUIN
Ooh, this is gonna be good...
He turns to Max, confined to a cage half-submerged
in
goo, clutching a tattered blanket against
the cold.
PENGUIN
To cut down a whole crop of
Gotham's most promising, before
their prime...
He gestures at a brown-ish gurgling subterranean
lake.
PENGUIN
How do I lure 'em in, you ask?
He pops one of the umbrellas at Max,
who flinches.
PENGUIN
Little "Pied Penguin" action...
The umbrella is wickedly charming...
open, it's a mini-
merry-go-round, playing the "Penguin
Theme" in a haunt-
ingly childlike rinky-dink style. Penguin
shows, with
a happy prance, how he'll use it to lead
the kids to
their doom.
PENGUIN
And you get to watch them all sink,
in a deep puddle of your industrial
by-products. Then you join them.
Tragic irony or poetic justice?
You tell me.
We DISSOLVE from the twirling merry-go-round
umbrella to
a WAGON-WHEEL, turning ... then WIDEN
to REVEAL:
EXT. "CIRCUS TRAIN" - NIGHT
The lead circus wagons in a long caravan
of wagon, wind-
ing through Gotham's dark and empty streets.
The wagons
are barred, more heavily than in Dumbo.
Reminiscent, in
fact, of Penguin's playpen of yore. The
sides painted
with the faded, peeling Red Triangle Circus
logo.
Through the heavy bars, we glimpse a little
pair of
hands, a pair of frightened eyes ... HEAR
the occasional
CRY of a cold or thirsty baby.
At the wheel sits the Organ Grinder,
impatiently petting
his monkey. Now he barks, at his unseen
subordinates:
ORGAN GRINDER
Would'ya hurry up loading those
kids already..?
A shadow falls... The silhouette of a
caped figure...
Batman reaches down and yanks the Organ
Grinder UP out
of frame!
INT. LAIR - NIGHT
As a silent, despairing Max Shreck and
a manic, amused
Thin Clown look on, Penguin practices
his balletic walk
over to the toxic lake, waving his merry-go-round
umbrella with its tinkly THEME.
PENGUIN
(dry run)
This way, kiddies ... Jump right in!
Now the Organ Grinder's monkey appears
at the top of the
stairs, holding something. As he scampers
down:
PENGUIN
So ... Where're the kids? Don't
tell me they stopped at McDonald's ..?
THIN CLOWN
Boss ... he's got a note!
Indeed, the monkey waves a little piece
of stationary,
which Penguin snatches from him. And reads:
PENGUIN
"Dear Penguin: The children
regret they're unable to attend.
Have a disappointing day. Batman."
Penguin is working to control his rage.
He glares at the
hopping, dancing monkey, and reminds himself:
PENGUIN
You're the messenger. It doesn't
make sense to shoot the messenger.
The other long umbrella is a semi-automatic.
Now Penguin
swivels, and sprays the Thin Clown with
bullets.
INT. ELSEWHERE IN THE LAIR--NIGHT
Penguin militarily struts as he addresses
his legion of
penguins. They're wearing eerie headgear.
On each one's
back is strapped a large bazooka.
PENGUIN
My penguins ... We stand at a great
threshold. It's okay to be
scared. Many of you won't be
coming back ...
He's choked up. He has to pause, compose
himself.
PENGUIN
Thanks to Batman, the time has
come to punish all God's chillun ...
first, second, third and fourth-born,
why be biased? Male and female ...
hell, the sexes are equal with
their erogenous zones blown sky-high ...
In this area are TV monitors scavenged
from the Arctic
World info-pavilion and other technology
cannibalized
from the old exhibit. Today the screens
show various
angles of the sleeping city. The Fat Clown
mans the
controls.
PENGUIN
Forward, march! The liberation of
Gotham has begun!
The Penguin Army, on remote control,
swivels in unison
and splashes toward the big open sewer
pipe.
Behind them, Penguin dries his eyes and
gloats:
PENGUIN
The Grinch just stole Christmas.
I'm gonna kill it, barbecue it,
chop it up and chew its bones!
INT. A SEWER--NIGHT
All is quiet in a musty sewer. Then a
buzzing noise is
faintly heard, and suddenly Batman plows
at the viewer,
driving a sleek, dark vehicle that is
part boat, part
jet-ski. The Bat Boat slaloms up the side
of the sewer
pipe to avoid colliding with:
A division of penguin Commando Bombers,
marching in
unison. Their headgear clicks and whirs.
EXT. GOTHAM CITY STREET--NIGHT
Another squadron of penguin mercenaries
pours out from an
open sewer grate and continues to march
in eerie forma-
tion through a deserted city street.
INT. THE SEWER--NIGHT
As he rockets ahead, Batman communicates
through a
strange phone device:
BATMAN
I'm homing in on the signal's origin...
INT. BATCAVE - SAME TIME
Alfred is poised at the same console
at which he'd
jammed Penguin's speech.
ALFRED
Ready when you are, sir.
INT. THE SEWER OF BATMAN--NIGHT
Batman motors further...
BATMAN
Got the coordinates. They're --
Two penguins suddenly appear before Batman,
firing their
payloads. Batman savagely curls his boat
all the way up
the oval pipe until he is momentarily
upside down. He
swooshes back down past the penguins and
the twin
explosions.
| 
Spain.
